Georgia, mother of three children under 5, describes a typical day in her house. “Say its 7 am, and my husband and I are getting ready for the day. Our son Dan, who is 3, would be lying under the kitchen table screaming because the only thing he wants for breakfast is ice-cream. Marisa, the 5 year old, would have finished her breakfast, dressed herself and would be waiting impatiently for the rest of the family to get ready. Our 14 month old baby, Carly, is teething so she would be very unsettled and grizzly. She's would probably be standing up, holding onto the coffee table and starting to take her first steps. My husband and I often look at each other and just laugh. No one told us that family life would be this crazy!”
Georgia describes an incident when her daughter Marisa became upset for no apparent reason. “She burst into tears out of blue. When she was calm enough she told us how she felt like we never listened to her and that my husband and I were always busy doing other things. At first we just thought this was just normal and she was overreacting. But then when we thought about it a bit more, we realized it was true. Between work, and our family, we just seemed to go from one thing to another. I could imagine how we would come across preoccupied and disinterested to her”.
Despite the time pressures that confront families today, research on the trends in parental time invested in children since the 1960s in industrialized countries show that parents appear to be devoting more time to children than they did 40 years ago. Despite these trends, research on children’s reports of feeling limited emotional connection to their parents, and the rising trend of mental health concerns in children, paints a different picture. One explanation to these seemingly contradictory findings is the increase of ‘parental presenteeism’ – parents who are physically present with kids, but lacking the capacity to attend and focus completely on their interactions with their children, without being preoccupied with other thoughts or worries.
Georgia describes an incident when her daughter Marisa became upset for no apparent reason. “She burst into tears out of blue. When she was calm enough she told us how she felt like we never listened to her and that my husband and I were always busy doing other things. At first we just thought this was just normal and she was overreacting. But then when we thought about it a bit more, we realized it was true. Between work, and our family, we just seemed to go from one thing to another. I could imagine how we would come across preoccupied and disinterested to her”.
Despite the time pressures that confront families today, research on the trends in parental time invested in children since the 1960s in industrialized countries show that parents appear to be devoting more time to children than they did 40 years ago. Despite these trends, research on children’s reports of feeling limited emotional connection to their parents, and the rising trend of mental health concerns in children, paints a different picture. One explanation to these seemingly contradictory findings is the increase of ‘parental presenteeism’ – parents who are physically present with kids, but lacking the capacity to attend and focus completely on their interactions with their children, without being preoccupied with other thoughts or worries.
“As parents we feel pushed and pulled in many directions. So it’s pretty hard to find time and space to think, be calm, or even just find time for some quiet”. Georgia describes why she found the Parental Presence strategy useful. “My husband and I, we simply don’t have time to be practicing meditation everyday. Parental Presence was good because it just took a few minutes, we could do it anywhere, at anytime. It was quick and it helped us be more mindful and enjoy our kids”.
Parent Presence consists of three parts:
Many things can get in the way of parents feeling mentally present with their children. Time pressures, work and busy life styles are obstacles to this state of mind. “I used to be one of those people who thought relaxation and deep breathing was just hippy mambo jumbo”. Georgia describes the benefits of the strategy with a useful metaphor. “I suppose now I think of it like being on a aeroplane in an emergency – as a adult, I’ve got to put my oxygen mask on first to then be able to help my child get hers on. Parental Presence is like me putting my oxygen mask on first for my children. It’s a few minutes for myself that helps everyone in the family feel happier”.
Parent Presence consists of three parts:
- Pause: Giving yourself permission to stop or pause what you are doing for a few minutes. If possible, making sure your feet are firmly on the ground.
- Breathe: Focus on your breathing. Breathe in slowly, right down into you belly, and then exhale completely. Take 5 or more slow breaths, being aware of each breath in and each breath out. After several breaths, you will find that your heart rate has slowed down, your breathing is deeper, and you feel calmer and more attentive.
- Play: Being in a calm state, parents often are better able to respond in a thoughtful and considered way to their child. Georgia explains her experience of the strategy. “I found I was more likely to listen to what Marisa was saying and be more aware of what she was feeling”.
Many things can get in the way of parents feeling mentally present with their children. Time pressures, work and busy life styles are obstacles to this state of mind. “I used to be one of those people who thought relaxation and deep breathing was just hippy mambo jumbo”. Georgia describes the benefits of the strategy with a useful metaphor. “I suppose now I think of it like being on a aeroplane in an emergency – as a adult, I’ve got to put my oxygen mask on first to then be able to help my child get hers on. Parental Presence is like me putting my oxygen mask on first for my children. It’s a few minutes for myself that helps everyone in the family feel happier”.
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