“Jennifer was always a happy and well-behaved girl. But we also knew she was her harshest critic”. Lena, mother of Jennifer, age 15, talks about her daughter’s struggles with low self-esteem. “We never paid much attention to her being like this – we used to think ‘that’s just Jenny.” Lena describes Jennifer as becoming withdrawn and depressed on entering high school. “We blamed ourselves for Jennifer’s low self-esteem. But then we learnt about ‘FOMO’ and realised it wasn’t that simple.”
Lena describes Jennifer’s FOMO - fear of missing out - that contributed to her feeling this way. “With all this technology, teens live in an age of little privacy and extreme scrutiny. All her friends were publicising how cool, fun & successful they were, or at least they made it appear that way. It made Jennifer feel really insecure.” Research has found FOMO to be leading to depression and anxiety in teens. “There’s more pressure on kids these days than parents realise. FOMO made Jennifer lose sight of what she liked and valued about herself.”
Parents, like Lena, often try helping children with low self-esteem by reminding them of their achievements and positive qualities. “We learnt the hard way. You can’t simply lecture or convince children into feeling good about themselves. The more we pointed out to her the reasons she should be happy, the more she felt misunderstood and became distant from us”
How can parents help?
Children with low self-esteem are often sensitive to feelings of shame and rejection. Appreciative Inquiry help parents to encourage children in thinking about their worries in a constructive way, by helping them cope with self-criticism and disappointment.
Here are three steps to using Appreciative Inquiry in daily conversations:
1. Depersonalise the problem: By helping teens describe their problems in a specific way, we begin to help them see that they are not completely to blame for these difficulties. Lena describes her experience of doing this. “By figuring out what exactly the problem was, Jennifer was slowly starting to see that even though she may not be as ‘perfect’ as her friends, she was not a failure”.
2. Spot the strengths: Thinking together about how to use personal strengths to deal with challenges is often the great way to help teen focus on what they can control in such situations. By discussing problem-solving strategies, in the lens of their strengths, parents can subtly reinforce their teen’s beliefs in their positive qualities, ease feelings of shame and build their capacity to learn and grow.
3. Redefine success: “One of the reasons she put all this pressure on herself was because we hadn’t ever had a discussion about what ‘success’ looked like for her” By helping Jennifer set realistic and achievable goals, at school and with her friendships, Lena helped her daughter gain perspective on her perceived shortcomings.
“What we realised was that how you think about yourself – particularly after making mistakes - is a skill Jennifer had to learn. Like riding a bike, or learning to swim. We could let her beat herself up when she compared herself to her friends, or we could help her learn how to deal with this for the future.” Lena describes her experience of using Appreciative Inquiry. “Look, talking like this didn’t come easily to us. But with practice it became more natural. We watched Jennifer come out of her shell. She still has her bad days, but I now feel confident about knowing how to help her through it.”
Lena describes Jennifer’s FOMO - fear of missing out - that contributed to her feeling this way. “With all this technology, teens live in an age of little privacy and extreme scrutiny. All her friends were publicising how cool, fun & successful they were, or at least they made it appear that way. It made Jennifer feel really insecure.” Research has found FOMO to be leading to depression and anxiety in teens. “There’s more pressure on kids these days than parents realise. FOMO made Jennifer lose sight of what she liked and valued about herself.”
Parents, like Lena, often try helping children with low self-esteem by reminding them of their achievements and positive qualities. “We learnt the hard way. You can’t simply lecture or convince children into feeling good about themselves. The more we pointed out to her the reasons she should be happy, the more she felt misunderstood and became distant from us”
How can parents help?
Children with low self-esteem are often sensitive to feelings of shame and rejection. Appreciative Inquiry help parents to encourage children in thinking about their worries in a constructive way, by helping them cope with self-criticism and disappointment.
Here are three steps to using Appreciative Inquiry in daily conversations:
1. Depersonalise the problem: By helping teens describe their problems in a specific way, we begin to help them see that they are not completely to blame for these difficulties. Lena describes her experience of doing this. “By figuring out what exactly the problem was, Jennifer was slowly starting to see that even though she may not be as ‘perfect’ as her friends, she was not a failure”.
2. Spot the strengths: Thinking together about how to use personal strengths to deal with challenges is often the great way to help teen focus on what they can control in such situations. By discussing problem-solving strategies, in the lens of their strengths, parents can subtly reinforce their teen’s beliefs in their positive qualities, ease feelings of shame and build their capacity to learn and grow.
3. Redefine success: “One of the reasons she put all this pressure on herself was because we hadn’t ever had a discussion about what ‘success’ looked like for her” By helping Jennifer set realistic and achievable goals, at school and with her friendships, Lena helped her daughter gain perspective on her perceived shortcomings.
“What we realised was that how you think about yourself – particularly after making mistakes - is a skill Jennifer had to learn. Like riding a bike, or learning to swim. We could let her beat herself up when she compared herself to her friends, or we could help her learn how to deal with this for the future.” Lena describes her experience of using Appreciative Inquiry. “Look, talking like this didn’t come easily to us. But with practice it became more natural. We watched Jennifer come out of her shell. She still has her bad days, but I now feel confident about knowing how to help her through it.”
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